S A T U R D A Y, J U L Y 1 7, 2 0 1 0
Cupertino, CA In what many are calling a forced move, Apple© announced today that they will be making a new antenna available for iPhone4© users, who have been complaining of dropped signals and overall poor reception.
Apple originally blamed iPhone4© users themselves, saying that they were holding the phone incorrectly (I can't make this stuff up folks), and then suggested that users could correct the problem with a rubber case, or by buying a fun game or app at the Apple© store. When iPhone4© users realized however, that Android© phone users were able to hold their phones any way that they liked, Apple© had little choice but to release a planned product ahead of schedule.
"I could clearly hear the people who were similarly equipped with iPrayers©, even though they were in the next room!", said one test-user, "Oh ya, I spoke to God® too, but those people in the next room!! Wow, it was like they were right there in front of me!"
Which of course, they were (see photo below).
Which of course, they were (see photo below).
"Ya, I got God® on the line" stated another tester, "but I really bought the iPhone© for music and gaming, so the God® feature is something I'll likely never use. Except maybe to have him hook me up occasionally."
Not everyone was so neutral about the new dock's special features. Many beta testers found they received repeated costly texts from The Creator®. "I sure didn't appreciate His tone", said one incensed user, "He kept calling me sinner, and telling me to repent. He even told me to smash my phone, how lame is that? But I will say, I've never had better cellphone reception. OK, maybe not as good as my Blackberry©, but close."
Not everyone was so neutral about the new dock's special features. Many beta testers found they received repeated costly texts from The Creator®. "I sure didn't appreciate His tone", said one incensed user, "He kept calling me sinner, and telling me to repent. He even told me to smash my phone, how lame is that? But I will say, I've never had better cellphone reception. OK, maybe not as good as my Blackberry©, but close."
When asked how this release will correct issues with the antenna when the iPhone4© is used outdoors in a more typical mobile situation, Apple© responded that "We've given our users a way to ask God® Himself for assistance. We feel that we've addressed the issue in a very Apple© creative and practical way. "
"Trivial claims of periodic signal loss and/or repeated dropped carriers, always leave out one very important factor," continued Apple© founder Steve Jobs©, "the iPhone© is much more than a cellphone. People are being unreasonable when they complain about the phone functions being problematic. It's just one small part of what the device can do. Apple Customers© understand this."
"Trivial claims of periodic signal loss and/or repeated dropped carriers, always leave out one very important factor," continued Apple© founder Steve Jobs©, "the iPhone© is much more than a cellphone. People are being unreasonable when they complain about the phone functions being problematic. It's just one small part of what the device can do. Apple Customers© understand this."
Spokespersons did admit however, that there have been early reports of users being erroneously connected with Satan® instead of God®, resulting in some minor cases of soul-loss, but that in all of the cases, users had placed their head in the receptacle incorrectly. "Look, we can't be held responsible for our users using the device in a way that is counter to what our design team envisioned." said Jobs©.
While the iPrayer© will be sold initially for a hefty $27,000.99 (not including in-home installation or increased utility costs), local licensed service provider Rogers© Communications warns that the cost does not include roaming charges applied to heavenly calls, and that users should select one of the many perpetual-prayer plans available, for the best value if they plan on contacting Jehova® on a regular basis.. Details on the specifics of God®'s contract with Apple© and Rogers© are being kept strictly confidential.
The iPrayer© should hit the streets in Canada© by late November.
The Prayer Antenna was designed
by Paul Davies
for the "Transmission II: Airborne Show" in 2005.
Images were shamelessly lifted from his website
and then photoshoped for my own evil purposes.
And then of course there's this....
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