FRIDAY, MAY 20TH, 2011
Got plans for the End of Days???
Yessiree folks, in just a little less than 24 hours the world will be consumed in a fiery blast!
This prediction of Harold Egbert Camping, has appeared on billboards, full page newspaper/magazine ads and transit posters across North America (I guess that when the world will end before the bill comes due, you can spend like a wild banshee on advertising).
Harold heads the Christian "Family Radio Network". In 2007, the near 100 station network had net assets of a whopping $127 Million! Christians know that if they fork out their cash, God will spare them his wrath (which really, only THEY deserve!). The meek might one day inherit the earth, but if ya wanna get Raptured, ya gotta pay up front for transportation!
Now just incase he's miscalculated, Harold has included a back-up date of October 21st. That's actually a good idea, since the last end-of-days event that Harold predicted (in 1994) didn't quite go as planned (I don't think anyway). Now, to be fair to Mr. Camping, 1994 DID mark the birth of NAFTA, and that WAS the end of the world for small family run businesses in Canada, Mexico and the U.S. (and to a large extent, the end of democracy and sovereignty, for the signing countries) but I don't think that God had ANYTHING to do with NAFTA.
OK, I know what you're asking... how did Harold come up with May 21 as the day it all goes to hell in a handbasket?? It's simple arithmetic of course!!
This prediction of Harold Egbert Camping, has appeared on billboards, full page newspaper/magazine ads and transit posters across North America (I guess that when the world will end before the bill comes due, you can spend like a wild banshee on advertising).
Harold heads the Christian "Family Radio Network". In 2007, the near 100 station network had net assets of a whopping $127 Million! Christians know that if they fork out their cash, God will spare them his wrath (which really, only THEY deserve!). The meek might one day inherit the earth, but if ya wanna get Raptured, ya gotta pay up front for transportation!
Now just incase he's miscalculated, Harold has included a back-up date of October 21st. That's actually a good idea, since the last end-of-days event that Harold predicted (in 1994) didn't quite go as planned (I don't think anyway). Now, to be fair to Mr. Camping, 1994 DID mark the birth of NAFTA, and that WAS the end of the world for small family run businesses in Canada, Mexico and the U.S. (and to a large extent, the end of democracy and sovereignty, for the signing countries) but I don't think that God had ANYTHING to do with NAFTA.
OK, I know what you're asking... how did Harold come up with May 21 as the day it all goes to hell in a handbasket?? It's simple arithmetic of course!!
- First, the number five equals "atonement", the number ten equals "completeness", and the number seventeen equals "heaven". (Some of you may remember the 80's synth-pop band "Heaven 17". A few band members eventually broke away to form "Human League". I always preferred Heaven 17. )
- Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years. Now it may seem scientifically questionable to use a date in your calculations, that is only "SAID" to have been the date of Crucifixion, but let's cut Harold and his followers some slack, shall we? I'm sure someone was crucified that day! Romans were always crucifying somebody.
- If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449. (Harold doesn't explain why he decided to multiply these numbers together, besides the fact that they worked the way he needed them to.)
- The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days. 51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
- (5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.
So what are we heathens to do?
Well, I for one am going to use the Rapture for target practice!!
I am taking my trusty Savage 110 bolt-action hunting rifle, and as all those moronic Family Radio Network supporters begin ascending into heaven, I'm taking as many of them out as I can!
Think of it, they'll be like slow moving ducks! I might add to the fun, by shouting stuff like "Get back here you sanctimonious bastards" or, "Let's see Jesus save you from this .300 Winchester Magnum shell!" as they fall back onto the pavement with a satisfying splat!
To those of us who will be left behind, imagine how wonderful the world is gonna be, when god removes all the Christians!! If we could only get Muslims and Jews Raptured as well!
It is, after all, that threesome of unrepentant sinners who keep getting us on the almighty's shit-list in the first place!
I'll start working on the math.
1 comment:
Carry the one, they always forget to carry the 1.
;)
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