What the Hell??

T H U R S D A Y,  J U N E   1 7,   2 0 1 0

Nothing gets me out of hibernation more quickly than absolute stupidity.

So I'm lying back nursing a bad back and reading the CBC (god bless laptops), when I come upon this story. It seems they've just caught this heavily armed American construction worker, who's been in Pakistan hunting down Osama Bin Laden. (How is OBL anyway? Don't hear much about him lately. Guess people got bored with the world's most notorious fugitive.)

The guy's name is Gary Brooks Faulkner.

Was he there as a covert operative of the CIA?? Nope. Was he Mossad?? Nope. Was he one of Bin Laden's wives?? Nope.

He was on a mission from God.

Seriously.

God actually came to him in a dream, and told him (and I assume that when God speaks to you in a dream, it's best to listen) that he had to kill Mr. al-Qaeda to avenge 9-11.

Now a few questions pop instantly to mind...

• Did Mr. Faulkner make use of Peyote before speaking with God?
• Did God explain why He couldn't just have Osama die of a heart attack, or Syphilis, or spontaneous combustion?
• Why did God allow the U.S. to kill 100,000 Iraqi's for no reason whatsoever, but refused to help them find the guy who may have actually had something to do with 9-11? I mean if He wanted the guy dead, you'd think He would have steered the Yanks in the right direction. (Unless Osama didn't piss Him off until recently and this has nothing to do with 9-11. Hmmm!)
• Why did they cancel Heroes? Sure it was slow moving, but it was excellent for a network show!

Most importantly though, we MUST ask...what the Hell is up with God???? I mean, Jesus Christ c'mon!

Look, we may have to collectively face reality...God has lost it!

I know it's scary to think about but, He/She/It is now hiring hit men for revenge killings! And it's not really even a revenge killing...He's ("He/She/It" is implied) asking one of His fanatical followers to go after one of His fanatical followers.

As usual, God is behind both sides of  the mess, and He's asking for a human sacrifice again! In fact, I can't think of a single catastrophe or major war where God was not a major influence, if not the main protagonist!! Why do you think he has so many names? It's so he can play both sides in any conflict.  He tells Muslims to blow up infidels for Alah, and he tells Christians to blow up Muslims for Jesus (who - get this - is a JEW!). Are these the actions of a  Sane Savior?? I'm telling you God is on crack! (And I'm sure that the crack in heaven is way more powerful than what  His lust-for-despair get's people hooked on down here!)

And what exactly has this God Dude(Dame/Thing) done lately? I mean besides finding more devious ways for us to kill each other for Him. Has He done anything that The Simpson's hadn't done already?

There are a million and one things that God could be doing if He's bored.... cure disease... end pain and misery... abolish cruelty... fix Sarah Jessica Parker's face... but what does he pick? He decides to tell some American construction worker to go after the guy who purportedly planned a successful attack on the quintessencial symbols of Capitalism. And he's to do it alone. With no guide, translator or intel. In Pakistan. Thank Him that He armed Gary to the teeth (He does love His fire and brimstone, doesn't he!).

You've got to admit, even for God, this is more than just a bit lame. Wouldn't God have been better off getting someone who actually speaks Urdu or Farsi? Maybe someone who is, oh I don't know, Pakistani?  He parted the waters for Moses, and told Noah how to build an Arc...but for Faulkner, he sends him to a place where he can't speak the language on a mission to kill someone that even the C.I.A can't(?) find and kill!

This is not the sign of a stable deity. Speaking of signs...

God must be getting pretty damned old now...I mean He was around before...well, before anything. And He made us in His image, so there are similarities. Maybe God is going senile. Oh dear, what if He should be put in a home? Where do you put a Daffy Divinity? A Spooked Spirit. Al-lah gone la-la-land. A Loony Lord. A manic Maker. Yahweh way away. A crazy Creator. A zany Zeus.

Alternatively, how do you snap the Creator of all things visible and invisible back to His senses??? If He ever had any...who's been around long enough to know? Maybe we were simply created by a lunatic.  That sure would explain a lot!

Well, I say it's time that God starts paying taxes - starting with current value assessments on all properties, retro-active let's say...2000 years. See how much poop He(She/It) can stir up under bankruptcy protection!! And without Him constantly taking sides and egging people on, maybe we can learn to stop killing each other long enough to simply enjoy the ride for awhile!

(And let's not invite God along! He'll just shit disturb!)

Please note: If I missed capitalizing the word "God" or "He/Him" in reference to God anywhere in this post, I humbly apologize. It was never my intent to show disrespect or to offend through my words. Actually, that's not true. To offend was always my foremost goal.